Fighting Depression -Not A Survivor But A Winner

 

Fighting Depression-Not A Survivor But A Winner

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

Presenting here the  journey of  a SURVIVOR BECOMING A WINNER- REAL STORY of FIGHTING DEPRESSION.
This is the thing which I always wanted to share, which I always have been asked to share - Every minute details about the phase of destruction of everything and more importantly the long phase of healing from it, today I am here to share all the tragedies and agonies I went through.

CHAPTER -1: THE DAWN.

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

It all started somewhere around FEB,2017 and no one apart from a Lady with persona of an Angel and curly hairs could sense it, even I was unaware of the fact that this might be the stage 1 of all the severe damages waiting for me.
I kept refusing to her of even any sadness!
Boards were around the corner and I was very sure of acing it with flying colours but still some sort of sadness started covering my mind
Yes, I was going to enter into the disastrous phase of DEPRESSION.
We gave our last exam everyone bid farewell, but due to all the inner faults I kind of missed meeting few really close people and I do regret this thing till now.

CHAPTER -2 : THE EMERGENCE.

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

I went to Lucknow and joined a coaching centre, I fooled my mind and made it busy in studies for a week or so, I started feeling adapted but one day I still don't know why but instead of having an auto for municipuliya I booked a taxi for kaisarbagh and came back to my hometown as if something pulled me here
I asked my parents to admit me in my previous school but few things happened and led me to again to leave for Lucknow!
Now living in a villa all alone with just a caretaker who leaves in evening - that was lil weird.
I always felt incompleteness - I used to sit in the school and even in my coaching and think of - what the hell I am doing? Very quickly, I made many friends, won many competitions but for the very first time these things failed to give me any Joy.
I always felt sense of some rawness within myself.
Remembering an incident of may, I became so valnurable that I fell for a cyber bully! Though I managed to tackle him but that thing costed sleep for 2 days - added this just to convey that how week and vulnerabile we become against the vultures of society while dealing with DEPRESSION

Due to a family function I had to come to my home town , we were celebrating 50th wedding anniversary of my grandparents and amongst all the happy faces , I curse myself for spoiling the pictures with my dull face.

CHAPTER -3: ALARMED

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

3 June was the day of our board result and despite getting A1, it came with no happiness and joy.
Now, This was the time when I got agonized - I was confused of what's happening - I was sane, stable ,normal but at the same time anxious and sad without any proper reason.
I kept blaming myself for next 40-50 days - those 6 weeks went in just finding peace.
I should not be blabbering much about this time as June and very much of July just passed monotonously playing my part - NO REASON TO BE HAPPY
Still I was yet to enter that face of DEPRESSION where even breathing becomes next to impossible.

CHAPTER - 4 : THE ERUPTION.

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

JULY 30 , I was in my house and I don't know why but I called daddy that day just to spend some time talking to him.
I have no idea what I said , but the next day I found my parents at my Door - They probably had sensed something wrong from my voice but the worst way in which a son can greet his parents was to yell so hard on them.
I just have some bad pictures from those couple of days
Throwing everything - I chewed my phone battery ,broke the specs and throwing everything in my way, afterwards Sleeping and waking up acting as if nothing happened.
That was probably the first mental outburst I suffered - what was worse was seeing my parents reaction to it - THEY FREAKED OUT. Eliminated my name from CMS and asked me to see some good psychiatrist, but I refused.
Though that was a big mistake of mine they agreed on me staying in Lucknow and got my name into one of our locals schools - with the condition of not attending the classes but just to give the exams.
I tried to put a clear distinct in my thoughts for the psychosis kept ruling me.
Steadily the situation kept worsening slowly - slowly, I was losing interest in all the things.
Days passed with a smile on face talking to friends, calling relatives normally ,trying hard to act normal but they always figured out - resulting in me upsetting them.
This was the time when things were a bit in my control to cope - but whenever thinking about the cause - I always had a loop coming over my mind every single reason led to the other and finding the root cause was like impossible!
It's not always break up, studies or money.
Sometimes it is just unavoidable state of mind Though this was that stage of DEPRESSION where anything effects 10 times and unfortunately this is the time when most of the bad things occur to us.

CHAPTER - 5 : FATAL

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

September came as probably the worst month in my life.
To share an incident and I am really very guilty about it. I was roaming around ganj market one night and I saw two unprivileged kids asking for ice cream
"Will you accompany me to the mall"
They agreed.
I bought them ice cream amd while having the dessert - I started crying in front of them , and eventually freaked them out.

4th September - I attended a class and my god that day was the day which many people must have remembered - almost thousands of people must have experienced the true meaning of seeing DEPRESSION
Though they were lucky to be the surrounding and not the system
That day was the noon of trying hard to undo the feelings, evening of immense guilt and night of a planned escape from all this
I kept going to restroom and called all my loved ones asked them to forgive me - Cried all alone
Coming back home, from kapurthala to munshipulia - that ride - it will always remain the most important ride of my life
That was filled with self questions, escaped three accidents in that 10 minutes - had no sense of surrounding, kept thinking of the thoughts of after life, thoughts of life in heaven being so good and relaxing and much better than the life of suffering with no solution - that I am living here, that ride was not accompanied by co-passenger but with the mind being occupied by the thought of quitting - with no control of mind I gave 500 rupees to auto wala, he kept calling me for change but I kept walking.
I came home told grandpa - That I'll have a sound sleep today after ages.
Thanks to the drugs and sedatives I slept for like 40 hours straight - Woke up in completely strange environment from the hustle of Lucknow to the calmness of countryside
It gave instant stimulation to my brain - I dove into the world of spirituality - figuring out the only way to continue living would be to live in some sort of monastery - but alas! This decision was so difficult being the only male child in entire family , for a moment they agreed but later even I thought to fight against the chemistry of my brain!
Every relative ,family, family friends became my only world for a month - The Outer world meant nothing to me - they suffered my outbreak, they cherished my smile
Regular visits to the psychiatrist and neurologist at the same time were the only time of me being in vicinity with the outer world Now I got medications to fight with  DEPRESSION and DEPRESSION to fight with the side effects of drugs
I started feeling that this will become my new life - DRUGS and TRANQUILIZERS would last forever.
Parents lost all hope if I'll ever be able to continue my normal life
Then around October I binded up courage and had a class at my local school - the teachers were supportive - had major mismatch with the students
After few months when I won with that phase all of them literally wanted to be friend me as soon as possible.
Now Diwali came as a major festival and I decided to cheer myself up Celebrated the day, but unfortunately after diyas and worship - I suffered an attack [ attack due to DEPRESSION ]
[ I don't remember much cause of medicines but I am sure I had hit myself with an iron rod for so many times till I went unconscious and remained in that state for almost next 60 hours ]
That was the year of either not sleeping for many days or not waking up for many!

CHAPTER - 6 : RAY OF HOPE

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

November finally came with positivity ,with all the types of treatment I finally managed to attend the school as well as evening coaching - interacting with the world
In the process of healing I lost some part of myself, also became completely unaware of surroundings - it took me like another 4-5 months to get full control of myself and the surroundings while fighting with after effect of drugs viz absent-mindedness, chronic pains, strain
After few days I lost three important people in my life within few months and I will always regret of not spending any quality time with my greatgrandmother who blessed me the best childhood - Rather made her cry for my stupid mental disorder [ DEPRESSION ]
2017 was lethal - Year I never lived
2018 was normal - I started fixing my life faced many challenges - Fought with all of them.

CHAPTER - 7 : VICTORY

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

BOOM - 2019 CAME !!
The year from which I extracted everything I lost due to DEPRESSION
Gifted myself this year.
I lost 20 kgs of weight, wrote many beautiful proses, learned many new things, gained a real immunity against sadness.
Turned all the sufferings into a lesson and utilized that experience to improve life
Now almost every person knowing me adores me
I had no complains from my past
I daily add little values in life of people who seeks it from me - practicing spirituality, became a treat to talk to
Helping every potential first stage victim to not fall in the trap I did
I am now living with the mentality I always dreamt of -
STRONG AND HAPPY WITH VALUES
From being 24 months behind to being much more ahead of the time.
 I lost a little and gained alot.

~ Not a survivor but a Winner

   Sikhar Pathak

Being Morally and Constitutionally religious(Secular💛)

Secularism means no discrimination against anyone in the name of religion.

A religion is a particular system of belief in a god or gods and the activities that are connected with this system.

At the same time, both  are very important for the  unity amongst every kind of people in any country. And in a place as plural as India it becomes even more .

What people should do?

Every religion states different type of belief system. But, the basic principle is spreading Kindness, empathy  and love. Unfortunately few people forget this and start believing only their own religion is the best one and other must be seen with different eyes . Because of this superiority the discrimination starts. In order to curb the hate we must let ourself get rid of the chauvinism and should practice our religion with all the dedication we want without hurting the sentiments of other considering that they are as good as mine and approach the same thing just in a different manner...

What government should do?

Government should not interfere in the religious belief system of the people. Even though different religions have different belief system, when it comes to public, government should take care of individual rights of the common people rather than religious belief of particular people. One religious belief should not be the problem or disturbance to other people. The government has to ensure this.

Where the problem starts?

When the people feel my religion is the best and start criticize others, the problem starts.

When the government start appeasing one religion and neglecting and underestimate the other religion, the problem starts. 

We can't just simply deny that our Government is not at fault :)..

When it comes to common and general public issues the government should equally treat all irrespective of the individual religious belief.

Yes it is really possible to be secular and religious at the same time. Yes the government should be unbiased and the people should be mature enough not to disturb others in the name of 'Religion'... I mean our religion is much more sacred than our politicians thought it to be....

Flute of Krishna (Janmashtami)

Come let me touch the strings of your heart, the tune in which world can smile.

Yes,  have ever heard the flute? No, not of TV.... The one which is wrapped with the scent of lips.... The Flute of 'Krishna'

How could you hear this form of Krishna while having this much of heat in your heart in the form of communal hatred....

The flute has a specialty, as soon as you hear its note, all the animals starts listening to it, however it fades, the next minute. Now from here, the journey of flute starts. After reconnecting the heart, you start drowning.... Then you get so drowned that any other sound stops coming in the ear. Then slowly flute starts lifting you little up from the ground, it generates waves in the body. 

When I see his flute,I wonder why Krishna chose flute amongst all the instruments... However resolving my query this tune of flute is making us more of human.

I did watch at many places..... Krishna is being worshipped as symbol of love with the flute. Every tune that came out of his lips shook the heart of people.

I couldn't understand where those people are gone who got fascinated by his character in Mahabharata... Having chakra, riding on chariot.... I'm yet to find the existence of those devotees , I guess even Krishna never wanted to play that hard part of his life.... But the form of Krishna... With feather of peacock, the form holding a flute with an innocent smile is found everywhere... A lover of this form could earn the same fate as his favorite devotees.

I can feel the melodious music coming out of every cavity of the flute... The music rising from the flute of his highness unifies the preachings of Buddha, Greatest Prophet (SAWS) , Jesus, Moses, Highness of Gurus to the Lord Mahaveera...... 

You'll not be able to listen to the music of  Krishna as long as there is hatred in your heart. How can Krishna and hate reside in the same place?....How come the melody of his flute propagate where there is hate, revenge, quarrel,vanity, chauvinism and thirst of blood?..

There is no boundation of your beliefs... but the only thing that is required is looking at Krishna with the heart full of love..... Then glancing at his flute carefully followed by peeking into your own heart.... If you'll manage to remove all the dirt mentioned before, then the words of the flute passing via your heart will give immense pleasure to your mind... so that the same land which was for you earlier, the place worthy to see only hate will turn out into the place to propagate kindness, love, smile, peace to make the biggest home of our life a place of Love and compassion for all our fellow beings 💞...

~Shikhar Pathak

#Janmashtami

#12August,2020

Death to Life not Life to Death

Death to Life not Life to Death

I should have died much before,

But when I saw seasons changing their colours.... getting casted in the way they should....

Sun sinking after tiring job of giving me trouble....

Letting moon to heal my feet ulcers....

Of me suddenly disappearing for a long time, 

But to come back, with much more revealing brightness and shine...

Seeing the leaves falling from the trees.... 

Leaving that stem without any greed...

To grow new leaves in it...

Giving its new look...

To drift the sand along with water.... As long as it could....

Noticing roses blossoming into thorns...

Peepal growing on a stone,

I got to know What life is....

I knew then, love is a way to heal oneself...

And living without it is an act of courage...

Helping others, self sacrificing is my meaning and motive to live....

I then wrote poem on you,

To sing it to others.... While sitting alone in a dark room,

So that everyone could meet you....

And I can keep you alive in myself....

To learn liveliness....

And to also stay alive by myself....

To keep on loving you like this....

To keep loving my life's healer and heroine.......

#Shikharpathak

#Poetries

'Few Breaths' by Shikhar Pathak

Few Breaths

That thing which keeps slipping, every moment! Few Breaths! How long their duration is? Do you know when their installments will be completed? There are no roots in the feet, but whom to trust, once the thread of kite breaks?

These breaths are the thread of kite, when these are tightly held, the kite of life seems to fly far away in the free open sky, and on the other hand blood keeps leaking. The relief of destination comes along the end of the road. There always lies a return path across that side of road from where nothing can be started from the beginning.

Everything goes around the pupils of the eyes differentiating between black and white, but who is aware?

There are four walls in a room. Leaning back at the floor of the past and looking at the roof of future feels like straightening the waist, but at the same time both the surrounding walls get disappeared from the eyes.

Whom to see! Whom to meet! Whom to trust and lean the back... It is difficult to understand everything in a moment! Very difficult.

Door of this room is about to shut forever it is just waiting for me to step outside and on that day the hands will be freed! Kite will also take its journey on that other side Of The Road and then the pupils of eyes will also get rest.

~ Shikhar Pathak

#ShikharPathak #Separation #DarkFictions 

City and the Mountain

I still remember that morning!
On one side of that steep Road, the smoke rising from the snow capped mountain was forming its own distinct cloud right from the first Ray of dawn.
It is said that we write about the same things that we think about.... I don't know what I lost in trains , rain ,that city and now in mountain and when I would find that.
Tightness of inside, starts to take a grip on the mountains by stretching its arms. The snakeskin of the old man begins to fall in the Gorge itself. A new person comes from inside to grow old.
On that golden day a boat had landed a little inside the lake.Why? and how? No one knows. But he was relieved to think he would get along with someone to come back to shore.
People say that on one night the mountain had moved from its place to the city. The city told the mountain about its true colour and since then the memories of people are still very dark about that night. When a piece of nail gets broken it feels no pain.... But that night before the mountain broke,  it screamed very loudly.... And I missed you...
As if while remembering that black night, it was like remembering that mountain shining like gold! Like listening to the melodious tune in the present buried under the screams of future.... Such as feeling the pain similar to when nails were cut....

'The End'

Today ,my heart wants to talk to you again, about those things which will never end now....
I don't want any of us to say 'Aur batao' these words indicate the end of talk... I have to spend this life talking to you. And my heart no longer wants an end , but a beginning in which there is nothing like 'The End'.
I have seen an end, of myself ,yours, ours and of whatever we had.... And after seeing the terrible face of 'The End' so closely, I do not want to live again what I have already lived.... Back then, how much things got changed , that I realised how terrible a word made of combining  four letters is, smaller the world larger its form...

I want a beginning , a beginning in which we start things from where we came close to each other ,and what you felt after that terrible 'The End'?What I lost? and how I remain alive in the hope of your coming back?
 I want to live a phase of life telling each other all these things.

I want you to tell more, so that in the meantime I can keep looking at you to understand every change you acquired in this passed time. Is your laughter still the same? Does your face still turns reddish in the sun, like before.... Or now it has also molded itself with the situation? Do you still know to give that false smile ..... or everything  has changed now?

Well I also wish for few things has changed so that this beginning  does not come to 'The end'... I want our talks to be ever increasing , but let our words remain incompleted, so that in the Greed to complete the things, I do feel short of a single life craving for many more, thus fulfilling the criteria of never-ending, ever-increasing and a selfless love.

~Shikhar Pathak

#shikharpathak
#shikhatpathakword's

Story or Desire

Some stories are strange.
Absolutely complete despite not meeting their fate.
Stories which started from the middle of Whirlpool and got stuck somewhere. Stories with their end moving in the opposite direction, are in search of a common arrow.

People who think for others beyond themselves... Possess the destiny of often losing their own self.... the definite destiny.
People having high dreams, who ever wanted a lot from life. Life gives them everything but in a ruthless transaction it snatches that one small heartily desire secretly from small estate, ultimately equalising the deal.

Characters like such will get lost in the mist somewhere far away.... In just 3-4 years. When for the time are flying, vagabond, alluvial clouds stayed ? They will find a place to shower their empathy.

The day when accumulated capital of emotions, memories, the binded way will become unbearable...
When the heart will get tired by frequent acts of being rebel.
That day , on an unknown level it will rain to compromise with that sole desire left to be fulfilled.
That day ,the real personality must die in the game hosted by the nature.

Those murmuring clouds , somewhere far away must have permeated the earth with their drops getting bound but devotedly.

But that story???
What about that....???
Stories will remain imprisoned for centuries in that vortex...
Waiting for the clouds which will never return.
Clouds which got settled somewhere else...
Forever and ever....

Read 'Those Stains'

Coronavirus in India ..... Conventional yet Thoughtful measure against COVID 19.

I am not claiming this neither trying to create any hype or rumour..... But just had a talk with my friend Shrey and we concluded that .... Can't the person who got cured from COVID 19 and developed some immunity against it donate their Plasma to the affected person in order to support them with their survival ?
Surely if they have developed enough antibody and reappearance of virus is not the case ..... Any suggestions are highly welcomed....

We even searched to make our point stronger and found Shanghai used this and got great results , so might be the same case with India.

#Corona

#Covid19

#CoronaInIndia

#PreventionAgainstCorona

#TreatmentCorona

Following your soul

Following your soul

Hey!

You used to say that I'll change.

Yes... You were right... 

I feel like I'm turning away from you

...

Because back then I used to live with you as shadows do

And now I am not even capable to see your shadow.

Whose day used to start with you. Today he cannot give you time even when the day ends.

In my speed dial, you were always on the first number... Today when I thought to talk to you, your number was not even in the dial list 

Never thought that I'll be so engrossed in my life that there will be no time left to know your condition.

I used to feel that without seeing you, I'll not breath..

But the heart still beats....

Off course you stay in my mind all the time, even today.

But listen, Now I don't dial your number again and again like crazy...

It just reduced to glancing at your number at time....

I never spied your Insta posts neither when for the last time on whatsapp you went online.....

Your voice left me, so as you glancing my face...

But I will keep following your soul forever and ever....

P.S Your body might adapt for someone else but your soul will always crave for me.....

#Poetry

#ShikharPathak

#Bahraich

#poets

Read Farewell To The Decade

 
Definition of love

साल भर

मैंने साल भर जाग कर रातें देखी, लोगों की मुस्कुराहटें देखीं, और रोते लड़के देखे, मैंने अपने परिवार को देखा और उनकी बेबसी देखी, मैंने बहन को देखा और उसके सपने देखे। मैंने मंदिर में मूर्ति के पीछे और तुलसी के गमले में देखा।
मैंने दादी कि आंखो में देखा, मैंने गुरुजी से पूछा और शराबी से भी। मै साल भर दीवार बना रहा। मुझे वो नहीं मिली।

लोगों को प्यार नहीं मिलता,इज्जत नहीं मिलती, दहेज़ और फरेब नहीं मिलता।
मुझे सब मिला बस वो नहीं मिली। किसी मंदिर में, सड़क पर, दवाइयों से आसमान के तारों में या मेरे दोस्त की बातों में, मुझे  वो कभी नहीं मिली।

में अगले साल रात भर सोया, दिन भर पिया, दवाइयां,आंसू याद और धोखे। मै साल भर के लिए भगवान हो गया।
वो मेरे सिरहाने बैठे मेरा सिर सहला रही थी।
जन्नत जमीन हो गई थी।
मैंने उसका हाथ पकड़ना चाहा,वो चली गई,
दवाइयां, आंसू सब बारिश बन गए मै कीचड़ हो गया।
मैं साल भर कीचड़ रहा, वो साल भर बारिश बन बरसी।
मैं जीवन भर कीचड़ रहूंगा, पर अब सूखा पड़ता है, कई सालों से बारिश नहीं हुई।
मैं सुखी मिट्टी हूं, जो जल्दी उद जाती है और आजकल हवा बहुत तेज हो गई है।

Those Stains

Those Stains

Trapped in the pages of time, a mildly withering lover, whose screams can never be blown out from the heart, he is always looking in a very distraught manner towards his lover while decorating the bundle of thoughts.

In dark as if out of the agony of depression, he flinches even when he says his agony.... People keep distance from me, they say What to write on someone's ruthlessness and stain? What will you gain from this? 

Write on beauty, about someone who owns the lake of beauty..... But had they ever thought of those who are holding those stains, who took the pain of that love... How the questioners here ended their beauty with such ease? ...

Will writing on them dry up their pens?

Every person sprinkles only his coloured pen on the atomizer pages but I worship the black ink and write Those same stains.

Read Only I know.... Click here.