Fighting Depression-Not A Survivor But A Winner
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| Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner |
Presenting here the journey of a SURVIVOR BECOMING A WINNER- REAL STORY of FIGHTING DEPRESSION.
This is the thing which I always wanted to share, which I always have been asked to share - Every minute details about the phase of destruction of everything and more importantly the long phase of healing from it, today I am here to share all the tragedies and agonies I went through.
CHAPTER -1: THE DAWN.
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| Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner |
It all started somewhere around FEB,2017 and no one apart from a Lady with persona of an Angel and curly hairs could sense it, even I was unaware of the fact that this might be the stage 1 of all the severe damages waiting for me.
I kept refusing to her of even any sadness!
Boards were around the corner and I was very sure of acing it with flying colours but still some sort of sadness started covering my mind
Yes, I was going to enter into the disastrous phase of DEPRESSION.
We gave our last exam everyone bid farewell, but due to all the inner faults I kind of missed meeting few really close people and I do regret this thing till now.
CHAPTER -2 : THE EMERGENCE.
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| Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner |
I went to Lucknow and joined a coaching centre, I fooled my mind and made it busy in studies for a week or so, I started feeling adapted but one day I still don't know why but instead of having an auto for municipuliya I booked a taxi for kaisarbagh and came back to my hometown as if something pulled me here
I asked my parents to admit me in my previous school but few things happened and led me to again to leave for Lucknow!
Now living in a villa all alone with just a caretaker who leaves in evening - that was lil weird.
I always felt incompleteness - I used to sit in the school and even in my coaching and think of - what the hell I am doing? Very quickly, I made many friends, won many competitions but for the very first time these things failed to give me any Joy.
I always felt sense of some rawness within myself.
Remembering an incident of may, I became so valnurable that I fell for a cyber bully! Though I managed to tackle him but that thing costed sleep for 2 days - added this just to convey that how week and vulnerabile we become against the vultures of society while dealing with DEPRESSION
Due to a family function I had to come to my home town , we were celebrating 50th wedding anniversary of my grandparents and amongst all the happy faces , I curse myself for spoiling the pictures with my dull face.
CHAPTER -3: ALARMED
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| Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner |
3 June was the day of our board result and despite getting A1, it came with no happiness and joy.
Now, This was the time when I got agonized - I was confused of what's happening - I was sane, stable ,normal but at the same time anxious and sad without any proper reason.
I kept blaming myself for next 40-50 days - those 6 weeks went in just finding peace.
I should not be blabbering much about this time as June and very much of July just passed monotonously playing my part - NO REASON TO BE HAPPY
Still I was yet to enter that face of DEPRESSION where even breathing becomes next to impossible.
CHAPTER - 4 : THE ERUPTION.
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| Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner |
JULY 30 , I was in my house and I don't know why but I called daddy that day just to spend some time talking to him.
I have no idea what I said , but the next day I found my parents at my Door - They probably had sensed something wrong from my voice but the worst way in which a son can greet his parents was to yell so hard on them.
I just have some bad pictures from those couple of days
Throwing everything - I chewed my phone battery ,broke the specs and throwing everything in my way, afterwards Sleeping and waking up acting as if nothing happened.
That was probably the first mental outburst I suffered - what was worse was seeing my parents reaction to it - THEY FREAKED OUT. Eliminated my name from CMS and asked me to see some good psychiatrist, but I refused.
Though that was a big mistake of mine they agreed on me staying in Lucknow and got my name into one of our locals schools - with the condition of not attending the classes but just to give the exams.
I tried to put a clear distinct in my thoughts for the psychosis kept ruling me.
Steadily the situation kept worsening slowly - slowly, I was losing interest in all the things.
Days passed with a smile on face talking to friends, calling relatives normally ,trying hard to act normal but they always figured out - resulting in me upsetting them.
This was the time when things were a bit in my control to cope - but whenever thinking about the cause - I always had a loop coming over my mind every single reason led to the other and finding the root cause was like impossible!
It's not always break up, studies or money.
Sometimes it is just unavoidable state of mind Though this was that stage of DEPRESSION where anything effects 10 times and unfortunately this is the time when most of the bad things occur to us.
CHAPTER - 5 : FATAL
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| Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner |
September came as probably the worst month in my life.
To share an incident and I am really very guilty about it. I was roaming around ganj market one night and I saw two unprivileged kids asking for ice cream
"Will you accompany me to the mall"
They agreed.
I bought them ice cream amd while having the dessert - I started crying in front of them , and eventually freaked them out.
4th September - I attended a class and my god that day was the day which many people must have remembered - almost thousands of people must have experienced the true meaning of seeing DEPRESSION
Though they were lucky to be the surrounding and not the system
That day was the noon of trying hard to undo the feelings, evening of immense guilt and night of a planned escape from all this
I kept going to restroom and called all my loved ones asked them to forgive me - Cried all alone
Coming back home, from kapurthala to munshipulia - that ride - it will always remain the most important ride of my life
That was filled with self questions, escaped three accidents in that 10 minutes - had no sense of surrounding, kept thinking of the thoughts of after life, thoughts of life in heaven being so good and relaxing and much better than the life of suffering with no solution - that I am living here, that ride was not accompanied by co-passenger but with the mind being occupied by the thought of quitting - with no control of mind I gave 500 rupees to auto wala, he kept calling me for change but I kept walking.
I came home told grandpa - That I'll have a sound sleep today after ages.
Thanks to the drugs and sedatives I slept for like 40 hours straight - Woke up in completely strange environment from the hustle of Lucknow to the calmness of countryside
It gave instant stimulation to my brain - I dove into the world of spirituality - figuring out the only way to continue living would be to live in some sort of monastery - but alas! This decision was so difficult being the only male child in entire family , for a moment they agreed but later even I thought to fight against the chemistry of my brain!
Every relative ,family, family friends became my only world for a month - The Outer world meant nothing to me - they suffered my outbreak, they cherished my smile
Regular visits to the psychiatrist and neurologist at the same time were the only time of me being in vicinity with the outer world Now I got medications to fight with DEPRESSION and DEPRESSION to fight with the side effects of drugs
I started feeling that this will become my new life - DRUGS and TRANQUILIZERS would last forever.
Parents lost all hope if I'll ever be able to continue my normal life
Then around October I binded up courage and had a class at my local school - the teachers were supportive - had major mismatch with the students
After few months when I won with that phase all of them literally wanted to be friend me as soon as possible.
Now Diwali came as a major festival and I decided to cheer myself up Celebrated the day, but unfortunately after diyas and worship - I suffered an attack [ attack due to DEPRESSION ]
[ I don't remember much cause of medicines but I am sure I had hit myself with an iron rod for so many times till I went unconscious and remained in that state for almost next 60 hours ]
That was the year of either not sleeping for many days or not waking up for many!
CHAPTER - 6 : RAY OF HOPE
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| Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner |
November finally came with positivity ,with all the types of treatment I finally managed to attend the school as well as evening coaching - interacting with the world
In the process of healing I lost some part of myself, also became completely unaware of surroundings - it took me like another 4-5 months to get full control of myself and the surroundings while fighting with after effect of drugs viz absent-mindedness, chronic pains, strain
After few days I lost three important people in my life within few months and I will always regret of not spending any quality time with my greatgrandmother who blessed me the best childhood - Rather made her cry for my stupid mental disorder [ DEPRESSION ]
2017 was lethal - Year I never lived
2018 was normal - I started fixing my life faced many challenges - Fought with all of them.
CHAPTER - 7 : VICTORY
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| Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner |
BOOM - 2019 CAME !!
The year from which I extracted everything I lost due to DEPRESSION
Gifted myself this year.
I lost 20 kgs of weight, wrote many beautiful proses, learned many new things, gained a real immunity against sadness.
Turned all the sufferings into a lesson and utilized that experience to improve life
Now almost every person knowing me adores me
I had no complains from my past
I daily add little values in life of people who seeks it from me - practicing spirituality, became a treat to talk to
Helping every potential first stage victim to not fall in the trap I did
I am now living with the mentality I always dreamt of -
STRONG AND HAPPY WITH VALUES
From being 24 months behind to being much more ahead of the time.
I lost a little and gained alot.
~ Not a survivor but a Winner
Sikhar Pathak
