It feels Good!

When fever ascends, a peculiar state prevails. I lie on the bed, feeling as if I am reclining on the softest bed in the world. Where I lie, the entire expanse is utterly plush, comforting, and joyous. Yet, around me, on the same bed, some thorns have emerged. They are advancing toward me rapidly, but are unable to reach me. I remain unperturbed. Half of my attention is centered on the luxurious bed providing comfort, while the other half gazes at those thorns. There is no aversion, no fear, just an observation that they are attempting to approach me.

The fever gradually intensifies, climbing to my head. My eyes close. Now, it feels as if I am lying in some vast ocean. Its water is warm but not burning, a gentle warmth akin to the sunlight in winter. My body is calm, relaxed. The warm water of the ocean has permeated my body, creating a gentle tremor within, yet there is no restlessness. Eyes closed, my body seems to dissolve.

After a while, a profound weariness sets in. In the midst of the intense fever, I move my body slightly, emitting a groan. I open my eyes lightly and see a CFL bulb flickering. Unsure if it's dawn or dusk, the CFL flickers for twenty-four hours. I close my eyes again, and my body, once again, begins to dissolve into relaxation.

I ponder: Am I alive? What does it mean to be alive? Is something taking birth within me? Are my breaths mingling with the air? Does my personality affect anyone? What is my significance? I have no clue about the extent of light or darkness; why do I exist?

Yet, these questions do not disturb me; I contemplate them with a serene mind.

Two days later, the fever subsides, and I feel a lightness. Until now, it seemed as if I was carrying someone else's burden on my shoulders. That burden lifts. Rising from the soft bed, I place my feet on the cool ground, which provides tranquility. Removing the curtain and stepping outside, I witness brightness; the sunlight is vibrant. I take a deep breath, and the outside air merges with my breath.

I am content. It feels like there is still some life left within me. I am alive. The impact of my existence is positive.

Today, again, it feels good, just like that.

Recently, I overcame the fever of love. I was lying still, with closed eyes, and something was merging within.

Today, life is felt again, light and very light.

It feels good.

Wonders of Wait !

 Infinite Longing

Amidst the tranquil night's embrace, when stillness blankets the world tenderly, my heart seeks solace in the haunting tunes of the 2020s. In the darkness, you emerge like a gentle phantom, your luminous grin, once my sunlit world, now a poignant memory etched within me. Your playful gestures, once familiar and close, now dance before me like fragments of a distant reverie, evoking laughter that intertwines with tears.

In these moments of quiet reflection, my heart yearns, wondering if the cosmos ever whispers our names together. Do you, too, wander through the corridors of memories, retracing the steps of our shared journey? Does the ghost of our love linger within you, or has time dispersed its essence to the winds?

The memories we crafted together are like delicate threads weaving through the fabric of my being, their warmth and tenderness a striking contrast to the chill of the present. Yet, destiny has led us on separate paths, and our once united hearts now drift apart.

In the shadows of hope and fate, I hold onto the fragile chance that the universe, with its infinite wisdom, will conspire to reunite us once again. Perhaps, on a day blessed by celestial harmony, as the sun rises with newfound brilliance, the melody of my phone's ring will quiver with anticipation, and your voice will reach my ears, uttering those simple, enchanting words, "Hello Shikhar."

Until that destined encounter unfolds, I treasure these bittersweet memories like precious gems. They stand as a testament to the beauty of what we once shared, casting a soft glow upon the contours of my heart. Amid life's unpredictable symphony, I'll carry this treasure, a beacon of love enduring through the darkest nights, guiding me towards an uncertain future, where possibilities abound.

Nameless Love

Nameless Love : Unveiled in Words

You are  beyond the ocean, while I am on this shore, merely glimpsing the infinite. From where the fragrance emanates, touching the strands of your hair on your shoulder as they sway with the passing breeze, transforming in the waves. I sit here, gathering you in these small writings, sometimes raising questions that arise from poems. I observe silently and move forward with a smile. These writings and poems seem purposeless, written without any basis or foundation, just like everything being baseless. Yet, you peek through every word, nameless and completely anonymous. However, gauging beauty becomes remarkably easy, just as one can sense the immense beauty within the Taj Mahal without seeing what lies inside its outer walls.

A phase of assumptions begins to circulate among the people around, even among those who know both of us. But searching for such pure relationships with such impure eyes, regarding love, is not as easy for them. I create a maze with intricate words, which anyone can read, but understanding them requires spending a lifetime. Yes, I am speaking of the same time that you and I have spent together in a few moments.

By the way, someday send a paper boat with your name from that corner of the ocean. If it reaches me, I will ignite your name. Along with my name, yes, with the same false name by which people know me.

I have never said that I love you, neither to people nor through these poems and writings. However, I have heard people saying that "I am in love"...!

Shikhar

#prose

#bahraich

#love

Newcomer (न्यूकमर)

 याद है क्लास का वो लड़का, जो क्लास टाइम, स्पेशल असेंबली के वक्त, एक्जामटाइम और कल्चरल एक्टिविटीज के वक्त तो हमेशा भीड़ से घिरा, पर लंच करते, PT पीरियड में, फ्री पीरियड में, टीमवर्क में हमेशा अकेला रहा। जब साथ में सब खाते खेलते थे तब वो साइड बेंच पर बैठकर खिड़की देखते हुए, हाथ में जूनियर स्कूल में जेमिनी, हाईस्कूल में titan और प्लस 2 में राडो की अपनी घड़ी देखता रहता था, घड़ी इसलिए क्योंकि वक्त बहुत जरूरी है, पर जब दोस्त नहीं रुकते ,तो एक घड़ी कितने दिन रुकेगी। खाना खाने के बाद वो एक एसे लड़के से जो लंच टाइम में बिलकुल उसके जैसा रहता था उससे सैनिटाइजर मांग कर हाथ धुल लेता था। वाशरूम में पता नही कोन उसका चस्मा छीन ले या फिर सबके सामने किसी की गर्लफ्रेंड से बात करने की वजह से उसे गंदे तरीके से तंग करने लगे, इसीलिए सैनिटाइजर। सोचो कैसा लगता होगा हमउम्र बच्चों से भरी जगह में एसे रहना, फिर भी उसकी अटेंडेंस 95 पर्सेंट से ऊपर रहती थी, उसे पसंद जो थीं क्लास की खिड़कियां जिन्हे वो देखता था और assemblies जब सब उसे देखते थे। दर्जन भर स्कूल कॉलेज बदलेगा तो टीचर्स के लिए भले बाकी बच्चों की ही तरह या उनसे बेहतर रहे, पर क्लासमेट्स के लिए तो न्यूकमर ही रहेगा।

तुम्हे तो बस याद ही होगा वो लड़का। मुझसे तो दिन रात, सोते जागते , पढ़ते खेलते वो बातें करता है। मेरे लेख वही लिखता है। और एक लड़की है, जिससे वो बातें करता है।

My Recent Imagery Write-ups

Ig @shikharpath

Creating waste segregation awareness in Bahraich

 By Step2wardsMankind

The recent problems with garbage disposal in Bahraich has made people realise the importance of waste management and segregation. The challenge now is that people are not aware of how to start segregating their household waste. This lack of knowledge is becoming a bottleneck to the solution for waste management in the city. Through this project we plan to spread awareness among people, including the domestic helps, on how to segregate the household waste correctly..

Challenge

Small cities likeilike Bahraich facing a crisis with regards to waste management . As a solution to this problem, the govt is trying to enforce waste segregation at household level. The challenge here is that people are not aware of how exactly to go about doing this. There is lack of readily available resources or training to help people in this matter.

Solution

The project is designed to educate general public (including the domestic helps) on how to segregate household waste. By displaying posters with pictorial representations on waste segregation and by conducting awareness camps at residential areas we will help people overcome their hesitations and start the very essential habit of segregating their household waste.

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Long-Term Impact

We plan to reach out to around 150 plus households directly through this project. We hope the successful implementation of waste segregation in major part of these households will further lead to a cascading effect and thousands more start the practice of waste segregation. Ultimately this will help the authorities resolve the waste management issues and lead to a healthier environment in the city as well as neighbouring towns (where the waste is currently being dumped).

Fighting Depression -Not A Survivor But A Winner

 

Fighting Depression-Not A Survivor But A Winner

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

Presenting here the  journey of  a SURVIVOR BECOMING A WINNER- REAL STORY of FIGHTING DEPRESSION.
This is the thing which I always wanted to share, which I always have been asked to share - Every minute details about the phase of destruction of everything and more importantly the long phase of healing from it, today I am here to share all the tragedies and agonies I went through.

CHAPTER -1: THE DAWN.

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

It all started somewhere around FEB,2017 and no one apart from a Lady with persona of an Angel and curly hairs could sense it, even I was unaware of the fact that this might be the stage 1 of all the severe damages waiting for me.
I kept refusing to her of even any sadness!
Boards were around the corner and I was very sure of acing it with flying colours but still some sort of sadness started covering my mind
Yes, I was going to enter into the disastrous phase of DEPRESSION.
We gave our last exam everyone bid farewell, but due to all the inner faults I kind of missed meeting few really close people and I do regret this thing till now.

CHAPTER -2 : THE EMERGENCE.

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

I went to Lucknow and joined a coaching centre, I fooled my mind and made it busy in studies for a week or so, I started feeling adapted but one day I still don't know why but instead of having an auto for municipuliya I booked a taxi for kaisarbagh and came back to my hometown as if something pulled me here
I asked my parents to admit me in my previous school but few things happened and led me to again to leave for Lucknow!
Now living in a villa all alone with just a caretaker who leaves in evening - that was lil weird.
I always felt incompleteness - I used to sit in the school and even in my coaching and think of - what the hell I am doing? Very quickly, I made many friends, won many competitions but for the very first time these things failed to give me any Joy.
I always felt sense of some rawness within myself.
Remembering an incident of may, I became so valnurable that I fell for a cyber bully! Though I managed to tackle him but that thing costed sleep for 2 days - added this just to convey that how week and vulnerabile we become against the vultures of society while dealing with DEPRESSION

Due to a family function I had to come to my home town , we were celebrating 50th wedding anniversary of my grandparents and amongst all the happy faces , I curse myself for spoiling the pictures with my dull face.

CHAPTER -3: ALARMED

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

3 June was the day of our board result and despite getting A1, it came with no happiness and joy.
Now, This was the time when I got agonized - I was confused of what's happening - I was sane, stable ,normal but at the same time anxious and sad without any proper reason.
I kept blaming myself for next 40-50 days - those 6 weeks went in just finding peace.
I should not be blabbering much about this time as June and very much of July just passed monotonously playing my part - NO REASON TO BE HAPPY
Still I was yet to enter that face of DEPRESSION where even breathing becomes next to impossible.

CHAPTER - 4 : THE ERUPTION.

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

JULY 30 , I was in my house and I don't know why but I called daddy that day just to spend some time talking to him.
I have no idea what I said , but the next day I found my parents at my Door - They probably had sensed something wrong from my voice but the worst way in which a son can greet his parents was to yell so hard on them.
I just have some bad pictures from those couple of days
Throwing everything - I chewed my phone battery ,broke the specs and throwing everything in my way, afterwards Sleeping and waking up acting as if nothing happened.
That was probably the first mental outburst I suffered - what was worse was seeing my parents reaction to it - THEY FREAKED OUT. Eliminated my name from CMS and asked me to see some good psychiatrist, but I refused.
Though that was a big mistake of mine they agreed on me staying in Lucknow and got my name into one of our locals schools - with the condition of not attending the classes but just to give the exams.
I tried to put a clear distinct in my thoughts for the psychosis kept ruling me.
Steadily the situation kept worsening slowly - slowly, I was losing interest in all the things.
Days passed with a smile on face talking to friends, calling relatives normally ,trying hard to act normal but they always figured out - resulting in me upsetting them.
This was the time when things were a bit in my control to cope - but whenever thinking about the cause - I always had a loop coming over my mind every single reason led to the other and finding the root cause was like impossible!
It's not always break up, studies or money.
Sometimes it is just unavoidable state of mind Though this was that stage of DEPRESSION where anything effects 10 times and unfortunately this is the time when most of the bad things occur to us.

CHAPTER - 5 : FATAL

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

September came as probably the worst month in my life.
To share an incident and I am really very guilty about it. I was roaming around ganj market one night and I saw two unprivileged kids asking for ice cream
"Will you accompany me to the mall"
They agreed.
I bought them ice cream amd while having the dessert - I started crying in front of them , and eventually freaked them out.

4th September - I attended a class and my god that day was the day which many people must have remembered - almost thousands of people must have experienced the true meaning of seeing DEPRESSION
Though they were lucky to be the surrounding and not the system
That day was the noon of trying hard to undo the feelings, evening of immense guilt and night of a planned escape from all this
I kept going to restroom and called all my loved ones asked them to forgive me - Cried all alone
Coming back home, from kapurthala to munshipulia - that ride - it will always remain the most important ride of my life
That was filled with self questions, escaped three accidents in that 10 minutes - had no sense of surrounding, kept thinking of the thoughts of after life, thoughts of life in heaven being so good and relaxing and much better than the life of suffering with no solution - that I am living here, that ride was not accompanied by co-passenger but with the mind being occupied by the thought of quitting - with no control of mind I gave 500 rupees to auto wala, he kept calling me for change but I kept walking.
I came home told grandpa - That I'll have a sound sleep today after ages.
Thanks to the drugs and sedatives I slept for like 40 hours straight - Woke up in completely strange environment from the hustle of Lucknow to the calmness of countryside
It gave instant stimulation to my brain - I dove into the world of spirituality - figuring out the only way to continue living would be to live in some sort of monastery - but alas! This decision was so difficult being the only male child in entire family , for a moment they agreed but later even I thought to fight against the chemistry of my brain!
Every relative ,family, family friends became my only world for a month - The Outer world meant nothing to me - they suffered my outbreak, they cherished my smile
Regular visits to the psychiatrist and neurologist at the same time were the only time of me being in vicinity with the outer world Now I got medications to fight with  DEPRESSION and DEPRESSION to fight with the side effects of drugs
I started feeling that this will become my new life - DRUGS and TRANQUILIZERS would last forever.
Parents lost all hope if I'll ever be able to continue my normal life
Then around October I binded up courage and had a class at my local school - the teachers were supportive - had major mismatch with the students
After few months when I won with that phase all of them literally wanted to be friend me as soon as possible.
Now Diwali came as a major festival and I decided to cheer myself up Celebrated the day, but unfortunately after diyas and worship - I suffered an attack [ attack due to DEPRESSION ]
[ I don't remember much cause of medicines but I am sure I had hit myself with an iron rod for so many times till I went unconscious and remained in that state for almost next 60 hours ]
That was the year of either not sleeping for many days or not waking up for many!

CHAPTER - 6 : RAY OF HOPE

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

November finally came with positivity ,with all the types of treatment I finally managed to attend the school as well as evening coaching - interacting with the world
In the process of healing I lost some part of myself, also became completely unaware of surroundings - it took me like another 4-5 months to get full control of myself and the surroundings while fighting with after effect of drugs viz absent-mindedness, chronic pains, strain
After few days I lost three important people in my life within few months and I will always regret of not spending any quality time with my greatgrandmother who blessed me the best childhood - Rather made her cry for my stupid mental disorder [ DEPRESSION ]
2017 was lethal - Year I never lived
2018 was normal - I started fixing my life faced many challenges - Fought with all of them.

CHAPTER - 7 : VICTORY

Fighting-Depression-Not-A-Survivor-But-A-Winner

BOOM - 2019 CAME !!
The year from which I extracted everything I lost due to DEPRESSION
Gifted myself this year.
I lost 20 kgs of weight, wrote many beautiful proses, learned many new things, gained a real immunity against sadness.
Turned all the sufferings into a lesson and utilized that experience to improve life
Now almost every person knowing me adores me
I had no complains from my past
I daily add little values in life of people who seeks it from me - practicing spirituality, became a treat to talk to
Helping every potential first stage victim to not fall in the trap I did
I am now living with the mentality I always dreamt of -
STRONG AND HAPPY WITH VALUES
From being 24 months behind to being much more ahead of the time.
 I lost a little and gained alot.

~ Not a survivor but a Winner

   Sikhar Pathak